Fifteen Thoughts About: Pregnancy
From Waking Up Daddy, Jason Roth's account of nine months of pregnancy and the insane first year of parenthood.
- I had to remind my wife at dinner: she’s eating only for two.
- I’m not sure you really “crave” thirty-one-scoop chocolate fudge sundaes or whole barbecued pigs. You crave pickles. Maybe potato chips.
- Our pregnancy book measures fetuses in walnuts, plums, and oranges. Only in America would we need a pregnancy book written at a third-grade reading level.
- Why must pregnancy books provide detailed explanations, week after week, of how and why a fetus might spontaneously combust at any moment?
- Typical pregnancy app: “Today your fetus is the size of a small cabbage. There is a 0.3 percent chance your baby may have three ass cheeks.”
- First pregnancy class tonight. Last time I had a class on this topic, all I remember is the laughter of my friends at my gym teacher using the word “penis.”
- My first two fears about my wife’s pregnancy: Shit, what if something goes wrong? Then, shit, what if nothing goes wrong?
- Now that my wife is pregnant, everything she does is because she’s pregnant. I could swear she used to get cranky before she got pregnant too.
- One of the best things about pregnancy: my wife can’t share my Caesar salad. What else can I add raw eggs to?
- I just learned that if your wife is pregnant and she looks pregnant, it’s a good idea not to say something like “You look pregnant.”
- To men who say “We’re pregnant!”: Your wife’s the one who’s pregnant, asshole. You didn’t need to give her both your testicles to achieve this.
- Pregnancy on a hot summer’s day makes you long for bad moods from the days of yore.
- I’m not saying my wife is getting big. I’m just saying at the next ultrasound appointment I’m thinking about asking them to retake attendance.
- I’m not saying my wife is getting big. I’m just saying that when she walks to the other side of the apartment, the fetus is there waiting for her.
- Carrying around extra weight. Cravings. Consuming extra calories. Falling asleep early. Yes, I have a tough job drinking for two.
